Funny couples quiz: 60 questions to find out how well you really know each other

"Do you know what I always order from the takeaway?" After ten years together, you answer without thinking. Then you hesitate for a second between the pizza they used to get back in your first flat and the poke bowl they've been ordering for two years without you ever quite registering it.

That's the whole charm of a funny couples quiz: it doesn't test what you know about your partner, it shows you how long it's been since you last updated it. The wrong answers get far bigger laughs than the right ones, and each of them tells you something about the person you live with now, not the one you met. And once the last round moves into the bedroom, the laughing changes key.

Here are 60 couples quiz questions in five rounds, from the fridge to the bedroom, with what most lists leave out: proper rules, a way to keep score and something at stake for the loser. You'll also find a random draw to deal the questions, a table to read your score, and the moment when it's better to put the phone down.

How to play a couples quiz: the rules and the scoring

A quiz where nobody keeps score isn't a quiz, it's a conversation. A perfectly nice one, but it runs out of steam after ten questions because nothing's riding on it. These rules take two minutes to explain and change the whole game.

• Whoever holds the phone answers in secret: they read the question to themselves, write their answer on a scrap of paper or in the phone's notes, then turn the screen face down. Writing it first kills the classic "that's exactly what I was going to say", which ruins every quiz played from memory.
• The other one guesses out loud: get it right and you score a point. Turn the paper over, compare, and that's usually where the giggling starts.
• Every question is played both ways: once the answer's out, swap roles on the same question. The questions are written in the first person ("what do I always order") for exactly that reason: whoever reads is always talking about themselves.
• Whoever answered is the referee: "pizza" for "a margherita", right or wrong? The person who wrote the answer decides, in good faith, within ten seconds. Without a named referee, every near miss turns into a trial and the game grinds to a halt.
• The "who's more likely" round works differently: instead of guessing, you both point at the same time. The rules for that round sit just above its questions.
• The loser of each round takes a forfeit: agree on them before you start, not the moment one of you has just lost. In the last round the stakes change: every wrong answer costs a piece of clothing.

If you'd rather not go through the list in order, the draw below deals the questions at random, from one round or from the whole list. The "keep" button also lets you build your game in advance from your twelve favourite questions.

Round 1: everyday life, or what you think you know about each other

These are the easy questions, which is exactly what makes them dangerous. After years under the same roof, you answer the version of your partner you remember rather than the one sitting opposite you, and you get it wrong with magnificent confidence.

1. The empty fridge. It's Sunday night, the fridge is empty and nobody can face cooking: what's the first thing I suggest?
2. The takeaway. What do I order every single time we get a takeaway?
3. The morning ritual. What's the very first thing I do in the morning, before I've even said hello?
4. The unbearable noise. Which everyday noise annoys me so much that I leave the room?
5. The chore. Which household job do I put off until you end up doing it for me?
6. The guilty pleasure. Which series, show or song do I secretly love but would never admit to in front of our friends?
7. The catchphrase. Which phrase do I say so often that the kids do an impression of it behind my back?
8. The splurge. What will I happily overspend on, when I haggle over everything else down to the last penny?
9. The silly fear. What am I scared of that is completely harmless?
10. The inheritance. In which situation do I think I'm most like my mum or my dad?
11. The surprise evening. The kids are sleeping at their grandparents' on Friday: what's the first thing I want to do? "Sleep" is a perfectly acceptable answer.
12. The app. Which app do I actually open most on my phone, not the one I'd like to say?

Round 2: memories, because you were both there

This time you both lived through exactly the same thing, which makes it the best source of arguments there is: each of you kept your own version, and they almost never match. Remember that whoever answered is the referee, even when you're absolutely certain their memory is lying to them.

13. The first line. What do I think was the very first thing you ever said to me?
14. The first impression. What did I think of you in the first minute, in a single word?
15. The outfit. What was I wearing on our first date?
16. The first "I love you". Who said it first, and where were we, as I remember it?
17. The stupid row. What ridiculous subject was our silliest argument about, in my version?
18. The dud present. Which present you gave me did I pretend to like?
19. The shared shame. What's the most embarrassing situation we've been through together in front of other people?
20. The holiday. Which holiday together would I do again tomorrow, exactly the same?
21. The in-laws. What's the most awkward moment I've had with your family?
22. The giggling fit. Which fit of laughter comes back to me first when I think about the two of us?
23. The project. Which joint project, a house move, flat-pack furniture or a renovation, nearly broke us up, in my opinion?
24. The first night. Where did we spend our first night together, and what went wrong, as I remember it?

Round 3: who's more likely? The round where you point

The rules change for this round. Whoever holds the phone reads the question out loud, counts to three, and you both point at the same time, at yourself or at the other one. Point at the same person and you each score a point. Disagree and you each get fifteen seconds to argue your case, and nobody scores. So this round is played as a team, and it's often the loudest of the lot.

25. The lateness. Which of us keeps the other one waiting by the front door when we need to leave?
26. The keys. Which of us loses their keys, phone or glasses most often?
27. The bad faith. Which of us argues in the worst faith during a row?
28. The satnav. Which of us refuses to admit we're lost?
29. The sneaky episode. Which of us secretly watches the next episode of the series we're meant to be watching together?
30. The cold. Which of us makes the most fuss about an ordinary cold?
31. The film. Which of us falls asleep before the end of the film?
32. The grudge. Which of us can still quote, word for word, an argument from five years ago?
33. The soft touch. Which of us gives in to the kids faster?
34. The phone at the table. Which of us checks their phone while the other one is talking about their day?
35. The first move. Which of us usually makes the first move when we want to have sex?
36. The volume. Which of us is louder in bed?

Round 4: what if… the absurd hypotheticals

Back to the original rules: one writes, the other guesses. These questions are no longer about what your partner did, but about what they would do. It's the round where you discover that ten years together aren't enough to predict how the other one would react to a zombie outbreak.

37. The lottery. If I won a million pounds tomorrow morning, what's the first thing I'd buy?
38. The desert island. Alone on an island for a month, which object would I take, apart from you?
39. The reality show. If someone signed us up for a reality TV show, which one would it be, and how many days would I last before cracking?
40. The superpower. Which superpower would I pick, and what would I use it for on an ordinary Tuesday?
41. The other life. If I could change jobs overnight without losing a penny, what would I do?
42. The casting. If they made a film about us, which actor or actress would play me?
43. The zombies. The zombies are in the street: what's my first reflex, and how long do I survive?
44. The tattoo. If I had to get a tattoo tomorrow, what would it be, and where?
45. The time machine. Which year of our relationship would I go back to for a day?
46. The body swap. If we swapped bodies for twenty-four hours, what's the first thing I'd do?
47. The truth serum. Under truth serum, which question would I dread you asking the most?
48. The surprise weekend. A whole weekend without the kids lands in our lap: do I suggest going away, sleeping, or not getting out of bed for an entirely different reason?

Round 5: the naughty couples quiz, what you really know about each other in bed

The last round changes the stakes: every time you get one wrong, you take off a piece of clothing, chosen by your partner. The points still count towards the final score, but you'll find nobody cares much about them after question 54. This is also the round that teaches you the most things you can actually use, so remember the answers that surprised you.

49. The position. If I could only keep one position for the rest of my life, which would it be?
50. The time slot. When do I most like to have sex: in the morning, a Sunday afternoon nap, at night, or any time at all as long as the kids are asleep?
51. The starting point. Where do I like to be kissed first, when we get started?
52. The place. Which unusual place would I pick for sex, if I were certain nobody could see us?
53. The outfit. What are you wearing when I find you most desirable?
54. The ranking. Which night, or which afternoon, with you do I rank number one?
55. Solo. Roughly how many times a week do I masturbate when you're not around?
56. The signal. What do I say, or what sound do I make, just before I come?
57. Giving or receiving. If I had to choose, do I prefer giving or receiving oral sex?
58. The sex shop. You send me into a sex shop alone with fifty pounds: what do I come back with?
59. The first wish. Which thing we've never tried would I name first: anal sex, a toy, role play, or something else?
60. The last question. If the quiz stopped right now, what would I like us to do in the next ten minutes?

The final count: who won, and what your score says

Add up each player's points from rounds 1, 2, 4 and 5: those are the 48 questions where you were guessing, so a score out of 48 each. Round 3 is counted separately, out of 12, because it measures how much you agree rather than how well either of you knows the other.

The winner picks how the rest of the evening goes, and the loser performs the agreed forfeit. If you haven't prepared any, grab a few from these funny dares for couples before you start: a forfeit chosen in advance is always funnier than one improvised by a gloating winner.

Just for fun, here's what your score says, with no scientific value whatsoever:

Score out of 48	What it means
0 to 15	You live with a charming stranger. Good news: there's plenty left to discover, and round 5 is a fine place to start.
16 to 30	You know the person they were five years ago. The wrong answers tell you exactly what has changed since.
31 to 40	Solid. You've done the update, with a few blind spots on the memories, where each of you keeps your own version.
41 to 48	Either you know each other inside out, or the referee is very generous. Play again with the referees swapped to find out.

As for the "who's more likely" round, anything above 8 out of 12 means you agree on each other's flaws, which already heads off quite a few arguments.

When to stop

Sixty questions played both ways is a lot, and a quiz that drags stops being funny. Three signs are worth more than finishing the list at all costs.

When the naughty round has done its job: if one of you is down to their underwear by question 55, the game has achieved what it set out to do. Nobody's making you go all the way to 60, and nobody will miss the final count.

When a wrong answer stings: "you don't remember what I wore on our first date?" can sting more than anyone intended. A wrong answer is a lost point, not an accusation, and this is the moment to say so with a laugh and move on to the next question. If it really stings, close the round and save the subject for another day.

When you've stopped laughing: after two rounds, roughly a quarter of an hour each, attention drops. Keep the rest for another evening, which also hands you an excellent reason to play again next week.

Your questions about couples quizzes

What questions should you ask in a couples quiz?

The best ones have a short answer you can check: a dish, a place, a name, a number. "What do I always order from the takeaway?" is settled in a second, while "what makes me happy?" opens a discussion nobody can win. Those questions aren't worse, they belong to a different game, where you tell the story instead of guessing: our question game for couples, with a timer and passes in place of points. For the quiz, mix everyday life, memories and absurd hypotheticals, then finish in the bedroom: that order raises the stakes without ever forcing them.

Is this the same as the Mr & Mrs game?

It's the same principle as the Mr & Mrs game played at weddings, known as the newlywed game in the US: you guess your partner's answers and score a point each time. The difference is that nobody's watching, you've been together long enough for the answers to have changed, and the last round would never make it into the best man's speech.

How do you make your own couples quiz?

Each of you takes five minutes, alone, to write ten questions about yourself with your answer on the back. Then ask them one by one. This homemade version is excellent because each of you chooses what you'd like the other to know, and the questions people write about themselves say as much as the answers.

What if one of us knows the other much better?

It happens a lot, and it's nothing to worry about: one of you notices more, the other remembers more. Give the stronger player a handicap, like answering within five seconds, or have them guess the other's homemade questions, which are always harder.

What's the difference with yes or no questions?

The quiz asks you to guess your partner, yes or no asks you to say what you want. The first is a knowledge game that makes you laugh, the second a confession game that moves things forward. They follow on from each other nicely: once the quiz is over and the mood has shifted, these yes or no questions for couples pick up where round 5 leaves off.

My partner thinks quizzes are cheesy. How do I get them to play?

Don't suggest "a couples quiz". Ask them question 2 over dinner one evening, out of nowhere, and keep score out loud. Three questions in, they'll want a rematch. And if you'd rather someone else read the questions and kept the score for you, that's exactly what the Oopsia games do, played together on a single phone.